What We Talk About in College

I like listening to people talk. I really, really do. So I know that my religion teacher (like many older men in Utah) says, "hwhat," and "hwhere," and "hwhen" instead of the usual what, where, when. I know that my popular culture teacher says, "d'ya know" as a filler when he is trying to figure out if we're following him. And that my roommate says "y'all," even though she firmly denies it.

Anyway, my obsession with the way people talk is responsible for the quotes below. They're just things I've heard people saying over the semester. Some of them made more sense in the context. Some of them really didn't.

Enjoy:

"I speak truth, you speak ideology."

"Sorry, right, we're talking about Nazi's. Not my cat."

"The guys in black are evil."

"Burning alive from a nuclear thing sucks."

"I get violent when I wear glasses."

"I'm a little squishy on the issue."

"Our attention now needs to be drawn back to Batman."

"Let's talk about the overall organization of hell."

"I look in the mirror and look at these eyebrows and I'm like, 'Wow. I feel like I should be feeling contempt for everyone ever.'"

"Did you eat the muffin? Did you like it? Did it taste like the laughter of small children and water relief in Africa?"

"I stole a golf cart today."

"Dang it--he's on drugs! Good comment! I missed that--I wanted him to just be nuts so badly--but he was on drugs!"

"Superman is basically an eagle scout in tights."

"Lets face it, James Bond should have died by now."

"This marker is potent. I might get high. If I get high just, treat me gently. Sit me down and give me a glass of water, or something."

"His face is just too attractive for Sunday."

"Dating is a socially acceptable lie."

"I don't hate you. I don't want to fail you. I don't want you to loose your scholarships. I'm sure all of your therapists are very expensive."

"The U.S. birthrate is almost down to nothing. That's why we need Mormons."

"If everyone is in debt... where did all the money go?"

"You're walking across campus and suddenly the thought comes to you--kill your roommate. And you think--I should have had lunch."

"It'll be potluck. Heavy on the luck, light on the pot."

"In the West we're greedy, needy, self-serving, egomaniacal, and technologically advanced. It's not a good combination."

"Babies have disproportionately large heads."

"I'm going to say something offensive now."

"My kitten could play that guitar solo. OK, not maybe my kitten, but my fully mature cat could definitely play that solo."

"I read in the National Inquirer that we found Eskimos on Mars."

"My eyebrow hurts so bad."

"Imagine what marriage would be like if you couldn't say, ‘you know, um, sometimes your shoes are ugly.’"

"I'm going to respond to the stink positively."

"He turned back and said in the loudest voice pssible, "I hope you rot in hell." That is love, my friends."

"Things need to add up to one hundred. It makes me feel warm inside."

"He makes the classical music version of rap videos."

"I'm going to kill them, for the record. They will soon find their dorm room violated by my batweapons. I have a utility belt--Don't mess with Texas!"

"I don't agree, and I'm not 100% sure I care."