“I held his hand… He held my hand too! It was a mutual thing.”
“I’m going to be a doctor and really rich. I’ll buy Starbucks, and Google, and possibly a small European nation.”
“I’m sorry if you think I offended you.”
“The reason academic debates are so fierce because the stakes are never so low. Pettiness never so high.”
“I thought it would settle down, but there was too much intertribal warfare among the linguists.”
“Tolstoy’s books can be used as doorstops and weapons.”
“God didn’t retire.”
“Hate to see you go—love to watch you walk away.”
“She didn’t want to have a date with me. Stupid girl. I hate her anyway.”
“God loves all waffles. Great, small, and holey.”
“I wasn’t making a joke. You’ll know when I do because it will be followed by total silence."
“My boredom distracted me.”
“It’s as if there’s a crack in the ice, he falls through, and is decapitated. Something like this.”
“OK. I need your pants.”
“You know if you’ve lived in the Middle East. Or Phoenix.”
“We’re brought up to believe that there are no stupid questions. You’ve spent enough time at a university to know that’s nonsense.”
“War and Peace is not a metaphor of pineapple. That is pithel.”
“That has to be true. I’m certain it’s not, but it has to be, because it’s so great and psychedelic.”
“No, it’s a pizza that rolls around and crushes skeletons. You get to decorate it. It’s illuminating.”
“I know my wife and I are on the right track when she doesn’t take me seriously. I throw my temper tantrum and she pats me on the head and says, ‘Want a cookie?’ ‘No. Maybe.’”
“A year ago, I looked like a drug dealer. Well a year ago I was a drug dealer.” (Said during fast and testimony meeting.)
"My atoms ache."
“Balloons are evil. You don’t know it until they’re all over your floor. They’re like peanut butter that way.”
“Men insist on the independence that requires total attention from others.”
“I am very, very suspicious of these people who say they don’t watch television. These are people, I think, who are not to be trusted.”
“You can’t redeem zombies.”
“An hour later I heard our baby crying and I wouldn’t get him. I was like, ‘I know this trick.’ There’s a zombie waiting down there.”
“Give into jealousy. Throw a temper tantrum. Throw a shoe.”
“Hey there… insert suave, manly, piano-relate pick-up line here.”
“When Martha Stewart speaks the world listens.”
“It’s nice to see your… profound forehead.”
“I am running for President and my platform is self-interest and an indifference to the common good.”
“Sometimes I’m funny.”
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